An employee's guide to healthy living

Hi There! 

When you are in Mumbai, time just flies away. As Shri Salman Khan says “yeh bhaag daud bhari zindagi, thakna mana hai”, it is true that achievement comes with achieving a healthy lifestyle. It gives me a great pleasure to share with you my secret towards healthy living and spirituality. If you follow these steps regularly on weekday mornings you will see yourself transforming into a successful person you aspire to be.

1.      Wake Up Late

Immediate adrenaline rush in the body prepares you for the tasks ahead

2.      Skip Breakfast

Now now, do I really need to tell you the importance of dieting! 

3.      Forget to check geyser and door lock when you leave for work

By the time you remember you will be far from the house and you will need to push yourself to go back home. A great cardio as it increases your heart rate and also the stamina

4.      Run to Catch the Train

Running is great to achieve that perfect shape. Especially when you need to dodge 2 people every 1 second it is good for concentration and focus

5.      Take a Break (sip water. Prepare yourself for the arrival of the train)

6.      On your Mark, Get Set 

Strategically position yourself at a spot where there is a good chance of being pushed by the crowd that is alighting from the train and also the crowd that is preparing to get in. Here, due to laws of physics (ahem!) your body will try to defend itself which will use all the muscles of your body.  Body toning!

7.      Reach Out!

The chances of following above are that now you will find yourself in a position where your leg will be stretched out and caught between people. You need to push yourself ahead holding the handle bars with one hand. This will stretch your arms, oblique and calves. Repeat with the other leg.

8.      Meditate

Meditation increases concentration. But when we do it here our focus is to not focus on the pain that is our body experiences. You could think of all the pending tasks in office, food, reflect on your life as to what is making you bear this moment, In case all this fails, indulge yourself in a verbal abuse with a fellow stranger and in the process learn voice modulation techniques.

9.      Learn to lose control

When it is time to get down, do not force your body to go forward. Lose yourself and wait for push you out of the train as you relax and breathe deeply. If you are lucky and getting down at Dadar, chances are you will be pushed by the Act of God till the exit of the station while you finish your breathing exercises.

10.  Lower the intensity

As we near the end of the workout we walk fast towards the office. We don’t run because if we run we look like an idiot. So we walk fast, stretching leg muscles. As we look at the watch in every 1/4^th of second do remember to ignore the cars honking and green signals in case you also wish to become a risk taker. 

11.  Be Happy!

So finally you reach office. But what use does external beauty have if you are not happy from within? So as soon as you take your seat fake a beautiful smile and when your boss arrives flash it on him/her “as if nothing happened”.  Remember to not fake a broad smile because you actually forgot to brush your teeth! 

12.  Spiritual Union

Practice these steps everyday to increase fatigue in body. It will help you in getting dissatisfied with work leading to loss of motivation. As a result you will lose your material gains and achieve a state of ‘moksha’. 

Hari Om!

Don’t forget to thank me when you start noticing the amazing results of this regime. J

 

(Disclaimer: Is kahani ke sabhi patra kalpanik nahi hai)

Farhan Akhtar - No Logic, No Lakshya

I won't be surprised if contraceptive brands start endorsing rape in coming days with a louche tagline like 'You are not safe, but you don't have to be sorry'. And that seems no far fetched.

Do we have any idea what a rape victim goes through in this lawless, spineless nation? It is a term we throw away as loosely as the number of times it happens in our country. The sensitivity of the issue has eroded, what has settled in is jingoism and now commercialization that has made it ‘just-another-crime’.

And my fury is directed towards the gentleman named Farhan Akhtar,  a noted filmmaker of India whose craft has impressed many including me. However, it seems that Mr Farhan Akhtar has taken his wit and humor a way to seriously to have launched a disgraceful campaign to prevent rape. He calls it MARD – Men Against Rape and Discrimination. It could easily stand for Men Against Rationale and Discernment. 

Hundreds have become a victim of this heinous crime ever since this initiative has been launched.  Have we heard Farhan Akhtar coming out against at least 5 such cases? NO! Have we seen him meet the families and offer support? NO!  So what has been keeping our Man With a Mission Busy? 

Farhan has basically turned into a classier version of the sales guys we see in the Mumbai local trains. His marketing gimmicks for the initiative are no lesser than your bhaji wala’s ; desperate for attention. “Mooche le loooooooooooooo, T-shirt- le looooooooooooo, Par Ladki ki Mat loooooooooooo” 

Seriously Farhan? 

Let us closely consider the “efforts” the guy is taking to educate the masses. When I noticed this I wanted to slap Farhan Akhtar for his insensitivity and callousness regarding rape. 

1)      Nowhere in the website of MARD does it mention what work they have done till date. What it mentions is ‘Buy Our Merchandise’ They could sell their mugs and caps before they could actually start working for this initiative. March till May all you did was campaign promotions and no work? Then you are definitely USELESS.

2)      News and Gallery section is all gaga over how Farhan is the savior of women by coming up with this brilliant idea. Bitch Please!

3)      How do you become the catalyst of change? What is Farhan’s earnest plea? Change your Display Pic to MARD logo.

4)      His Tweets are only for campaign promotion purpose. If the rape isn’t brutal he won’t talk about it? Bollywood seems to support him, which he enthusiastically retweets to his followers without fail. Thik hai, kar lo promote. But again my question is kaam kya kiya hai boss? https://twitter.com/FarOutAkhtar

5)       Rapists belong to no particular strata of society. Why do you only speak to the ‘educated masses with high disposable income’ Farhan? You have rubbed shoulders with Sunil Gavaskar, Shah Rukh Khan, Preity Zinta to talk about your initiative. Why do you not stand with the common man when you are facing the media? Do we stink of logic? The dhobi wala, the watchman, the servants don’t have a Twitter or a Facebook account, does it not concern you to talk to them in their language and not recite the poem in your each and every interview?

6)      Why do you sell the T-shirts? If wearing the T-shirt brings in the change why don’t you just give them away for free? Symbols like T-shirts and bands connote solidarity for a cause. Having said that, does it bring the attitudinal change that we are looking at? Does your T-shirt have the ability to transform the person into a superhero? If it does, kindly don’t share this merchandise with all men. You never know which one may misuse the superpowers he possesses after wearing the T and ends up raping more women.

Farhan, if at all you want to do something for this stay away from making it a commercial entity. Our lives are tough, all we are asking is respect it. Don’t make a mockery out of the victims. The moustaches you sell are anyway so scary they remind me of Raavan who allegedly kidnapped Sita. All the more reason to steer clear of those who wear it.  This hideous stereotypical idea to portray masculinity I believe is given you by JWT. Didn’t you realize all the while when you were trying to fight the prevailing notions of masculinity you were actually being a personified stereotype yourself?  

Although Thank You for coming up with something, I wish you could put in some amount of intelligence before taking it up. Your intentions are respected, your methods are not. Please stick to making movies, use them as the platform to fight against social injustice. But oh! You may not because these issues don’t get you moolah at the box office. 

As far as the female protection is concerned you have made our jobs easier. We know we have to stay away from anyone who is sporting MARD T and a moustache.

My Name is Tejas and I am Not a Male

My problem Ladies and Gentlemen is far greater than the problems that are cured by a certain Sandhi Sudha for which our 'national heroes' have diligently obliged to appear on National TV. Therefore I demand your undivided attention when you read this post. Your fellow country(wo)men are under a threat as a consequence of taking my name for granted.

There is not much harm that my name can cause but it's still is quite dangerous. No, not because of its cheesy resemblance to a South Indian- belly quavering- gunda named Teja, but because when misunderstood for my gender I give the culprit the best of both the sexes; rearranged alphabets , mostly amongst A, B, C and M that connote respect in the tone that can put our Nyoda bus conductor to shame.

For those who do not know (even though you don't care) my name Tejas Tamhane. Tejas, an Indian Sanskrit name means aura, brilliance, smart ass( that's what I prefer). There are 4 other people by the same name+surname on Facebook, all men. All naming websites put the name under the category of male.

I am a female, biologically, that's what my birth certificate says.

I hate introduction sessions, the reactions to be particular when I introduce  myself. "YOU are Tejas?", "You are TEJAS?", "YOU ARE TEJAS!!!!" , (YOU!!! TEJAS!!!  BWAHAHA!!! *points finger and laughs*)

I punch such people on their nose, rip apart their gender-matching names followed by a smirk of achievement  ..... in my imagination of course

A normal conversation with a stranger, say an HR Consultant, over the phone would go something like:

Me: Hello
HR: Hi, Can I speak to Tejas?
Me: Speaking
HR: No, Tejas please
Me: Ya, Tejas here
HR: Actually Mam, I have this job offer for Sir, so if you can please give me his contact number.
Me: I am Tejas
HR: Ooooooh (sounds amusingly  disappointed). You are Tejas? You are a girl? (confirms disappointment)
Me: Ya, very much
HR: (Giggles) Actually we are looking for guys, so I think ..... ?(has no words to express his emotions over the discovery of the day)
Me: Nevermind, Cya

Unfortunately it is true that you imbibe qualities of your name and thus God also gifted me with high testosterone levels and unabashed sense of world. The sight of a pink teddy bear and hearts (read Archies) can make me puke while I see no harm in wearing the same pair of jeans over a week. Recently I discovered that my voice too rebels against my anatomy.

Being the refugees that we are in Mumbai, as a ritual I again found me searching for a flat. A phone conversation with a poor abla naari in need of a roommate convinced me to get a gender confirmation certificate from a gynaecologist.

Me: I’m looking for a room.. Saw ur ad.. Blah blah blah....
She: ya but it is only for females
Me: ya I need it for Myself
She: are you not getting it? It is only for females!
Me: ya so I am a female
She: (furious)I don't think so.. you don't even sound like one!!!
(shhhhhh.. lambi chuppi…. *bitch*)

That's not all. I once had this chap ask me "Madam, aapke naam ke aage Mr. lagaun ya Ms.?" Atleast he called me madam. :)

By the way, if you find ‘S’ in a confused state of mind, crying and looking for a shelter please share my co-ordinates with it, it will probably be looking for its owner now popularly known as Teja erstwhile Tejas.

Yeh Teja Teja Kya Hai!

My name on the monthly bill statements reads ‘Dear Mr. Teja’… yennada rascala!Mind It…. I say!

The smartest question I face is, “Why is your name Tejas?” Dear Curious Soul, for the same reason that your name is Neha, Pooja, Pinky and not Radhabai, Vimla or Chameli.  

Please share this post with Shah Rukh Khan, tell him he isn’t the only one in soup because of his name. My post may not evoke national sentiments but nevertheless calls for some sympathy. You may use the 'Comment' box below.

In the meantime, I’ll go and shave my moustache.