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Sex sells. With no new hits on my blog and fading popularity (from 0.4/5  to 0.2 now)  I have decided to write about it. And why not, it could give a new lease of life to Vidya Balan’s career, got Shiney Ahuja lifetime achievement award, Poonam Boob Pandey has become an internet sensation just by stripping at all possible places  and for the first time all news publications including Times of India wrote about Times of India. (Ooops , I am yet to take my PF money from them).

Sex has been an underlying proposition of numerous brands which we come across day and night.  There are contraceptive companies that manage to get on board the Bollywood celebs like Ranveer Singh and Sunny Leone, buy space in premier publications, prime time on-air FCP, and have over the counter placement in retail. Then there are some genuinely talented guys who want to help the “needy”  find pleasure but sex being a taboo they are perceived as hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ji shame shame!

Baba Bangalis have been my favourite “Mr. Do It All”. They can help you with anything under the sun- “Filmon mein asafalta, grehklesh, saas se chutkara, kutte ko na kaat paana,  and stambhan dosh or erectile dysfunction. Clearly what science can’t do they can do it. It is possible that when Narendra Modi said Ganesha’s head is attached to a human body it wasn’t because of plastic surgery’s knowledge in ancient India, he was referring to this sacred knowledge of Baba Bangalis.

Here goes a jingle for them if ever they get enough budgets for advertising spends:

Unhorny ko horny kar de, horny ko aur horny

Ek jagah sab jama ho teeno, taaveez , goli aur baba bangaaaleeeeeeeeeee

While they operate in clandestine manner, there are other tech-savvy sex drive specialists who have made optimum use of online media. Don’t believe me , check your spam box in your mail. Mails with subject lines: Make your girl scream tonight, Big is Better etc. (hilarious, is there anyway I can work for them! ). The thing is I already have the power to make the girls scream, most scream at my fashion sense, my hairstyle, it shocks them enough, I don’t need the pills. Also, because I don’t have a dick, dickhead.

If you are a nocturnal creature there are chances you would have stumbled upon Payal Rohatgi promoting ‘Product of the Year’,  Shakti Praash.  The show should have been named Adult Comedy Nights with Payal Rohatgi.  She warns you with an accent- ägar aapki patni aapse saantusht nahi hai toh aapka vaivahik jeevan khuraab ho jaega (ok).  Wonder what will happen to her vaivahik jeevan after this! Of course it is not her fault, maybe the dialogue writer had tried a spoonful of Shakti Praash before reporting to work.  Some chosen dialogues have the honour of being a part of this blog:

• -          Mere husband dekhne mein boht hi lambe aur chaude hain, shaadi se pehle main unhe dekha toh mujhe laga ki mere pati mujhe har prakaar se khush rahenge .. lekin,, shaadi ke baad khoda pahaad nikli chuhiya waali khahawat jaise unpe sach hi ho gayi thi .. (lmao)

• -          (50 year old husband) Shakti Praash ke sevan se meri jawani wapas aa gayi hai  (looks at his wife and says cheesily ) kyu ji thik keh raha hu na?.. aaj kal hum daily honeymoon manate hain!!   (tharki Buddha)

Please spare some time from your busy lives to watch this show starring these stalwarts.

Aap sex ke peeche, libido aapke peeche.. too much fun!

There is no concrete study available on the size of Ayurvedic industry and its registered practitioners. Moreover Ayurveda can fall easily into Grandmom’s secrets for beauty to medicines that cure fatal diseases. How does then one tap these shady companies that are proliferating in the name of Ayurveda and selling illegally. It would be wise to consider how much money therefore goes unaccounted for.

However, Shakti Praash did get me contemplating on one aspect. In marriages (especially arranged) how do people get to know about their partner’s Shakti? It is so ‘impotent’ to know that about your partner, no? Let me know in the comments below. No, actually I don’t want to know your creepy stories! 

Being Baniya

If you are in 20s and staying on rent and that too beyond Andheri towards Borvali, your life is supposedly sad. Mine is, I stay at Malad which is predominantly inhabited by Gujratris and Marwaris.  However for someone who is constantly observing the relationship between a marketer and consumer, this place is a delight.  

I know Marathi Manus is upset with the fact that they are being sidelined in their own state but basis the difference between the way a Gujarati and a Marathi handle a customer, you would prefer the former any day.  Infact if Philip Kotler had to train a Marathi businessman he would be forced to change his name to Philip Kotlerkar first and then awkwardly defend his marketing fundas that the world gladly accepted.

So what happens when you visit a General Store run by a Marathi?

Me: Ek bread dena ..

Shopkeeper: ignores

Me: Ek bread dena

Shopkeeper:  looks at you as if you asked for his daughter’s hand.  (ignores again)

Me: hai ya nahi? Deni hai nahi deni

Shopkeeper: Nahi hai.. wait karna hai toh karo nahi toh jao (followed by aaila maila taila and such phrases that are dear to them)

Cut to a Gujarati/Marwari  general store where the shopkeeper will be so concerned that you will look for a tattoo on his arm which same as yours wondering if this guy is your lost brother.

Shopkeeper: kai du?

Me: ek bread chahiye

Shopkeeper:  Ae chotu ek bread de fatafat. Aur kya loge .. Maggie, aata, doodh, thepla, kuch?

Me: Nahi, thank you abhi nahi.

Shopkeeper: number le jao shop ka, order kar dena, bhijwa denge saaman

(Chotu gets bread loaf in 9 seconds. I leave the shop in approx. 30 seconds)

Wonder what gives rise to such a different  attitude towards customers for two different communities that have the same operating environment and business objective.  While external factors remain the same it must be intrinsic to the cultural values that have been transferred to the individual.

Now extend this example to a macro environment, the organized retail and the malls. These are typically the markets where lot of research has gone into from designing the brand to placement of the products, from price point purchases to creating a favorable in-store environment.  Walmart , Target, Big Bazaar, Hypercity have all been continuously working towards delivering customer satisfaction.  

So who owns these chains/malls  in Mumbai predominantly?

·         Big Bazaar -  Kishore Biyani (Marwari)

·         D- Mart- R K Damani (Gujarati)

·         Infinity Mall, Inorbit Mall, Shoppers Stop-  Raheja (Sindhi)

·         Kalpatru Group – Korum- Mofatraj Munot (Baniya)

·         R-City Mall- Subhash Runwal (Marwari Jain)

·         Phoenix Mills -  Ashokkumar Radhakrishna Ruia (Baniya)

The financially intelligent have always invested in real estate. The returns in real estate in a booming economy are huge. Why is it that in Mumbai the best commercial properties are owned by a specific community? Is it a nexus? Is it that others do not possess strong business acumen?  Or is it just the risk involved in pushing the comfort levels?  An interesting article on the peculiar pedigree of business class here will give you an insight on which community is amongst World’s Richest Individuals.

It is from observation that those who are born in a business community develop business acumen as part of their upbringing. A Gujarati and a Mawari spend money differently from the other communities.  They are trained to become businessmen rather than excellent workers. On the other hand if you see Marathi community makes an excellent workforce.  However if you leave them with an investment amount, they wouldn’t know where to head start.

With an education system like ours where we are trained to become rats would it make a difference if our system starts focusing on Financial IQ as well? Why is it that we are not taught in schools the value of money and investments? We aim for higher salaries and designations, why don’t we aim towards entrepreneurship? The idea of entrepreneurship is completely looked down upon even today. A child who would hope to be an entrepreneur would be termed as “useless”.  Most of us go for an MBA to get a match forget starting a new business.

So how does one break this attitudinal cycle and rigid perceptions if strong cultural notions that have lingered from generations are hampering their growth? Worst case, they are not even willing to acknowledge that there is a problem which is affecting their business.  Also does this also mean that till the time the attitudes don’t change, the power of money will belong to a specific community because they understand how it flows?

I would not want to generalize communities due to the vastness of it; however based on experience and observations of many people such inferences have been made. It would be great if you have any experience or a different point of view on this, you can write in the comments below.  

In the meantime someone please tell my Marathi shopkeeper, risk toh Spiderman ko bhi lena padta hai, tum toh phir bhi salesman ho.

“Bhaiya Andheri East chaloge?”

Some topics don’t need an introduction.  All of us know what happens next after you make an earnest request to the autowaalas to drop you at your destination.  (Disclaimer: All includes those who have Mamtamai Shri Radhe Guru Maa’s blessing because of which we experience pain and strength to get over it. Please pray touching her photo below she will bless you with her superpowers)

Usually when I am looking for an auto I am snubbed off by the rickshaw drivers. Yes, even they snub me. At the instance of hearing the destination Uday Chopra’s body double’s spirit from ..no guesses!.. Dhoom!...  possess him and he flies away at 100km/hr.

On one such eventful day I was desperately looking for an auto because I was.. again no guesses!... getting late for office J After being refused by 225 auto rickshaws and engaging myself in verbal spat with 224 of them ranging from “Toh kya Dubai jaoge”  to “BC, BMW kharid ke chala le” I decided I would just sit in one and force him to drop me.

So post invoking every bit of Naari Shakti in me I forcefully got into one auto rickshaw and to no one’s surprise he refused. I started with requesting him but in vain. I still refused to get down from his auto wasting another 10 minutes. When everything failed I threatened him that if he doesn’t “obey my orders” I will file a complaint with the traffic police. He replied, “here is my auto number, please do it”.

Thanks to technological advancements and therefore smartphone, I scavenged the complaint number. Launched by Shri Anna Hazare(Team Anna Hazare)  this number came to my rescue-  98690 89898 which I found here.  Have you seen a dog when he sees food, those rays of hope in his eyes? …with such emotions I dialed that number thinking this will be a new revolution in Auto Corruption Hatao Aandolan. However, just like Anna Hazare this number also didn’t work. There was also an SMS support which I made use of and that SMS request is yet to reach Team Anti Corruption.

Phew! But main haar mane waalon mein se nahi hun, I said to myself. In the meantime the autowaala had gutkha, enjoyed Bhojpuri songs, gave me hopeless looks etc.

I was sure that there was another RTO number, helpline. I had watched its commercial in a movie theatre. The commercial goes something like this …a girl finds herself in a dark abandoned area that is when she realizes she is being followed by goons. She panics and starts sprinting towards the main road while dialing a number from her phone. The goons are about to catch her but just like it happens in the movies a police car shows up and goons run for their lives. Well, the ad campaign works but the number didn’t.  If I was in a situation like that girl in the ad campaign I would have asked the goons to help me bash up the idiots who started this helpline. On a serious note, I really hope such instances do not happen during an emergency.

Anyway, coming to my agony... there are no words to express how helpless I was in that situation where nothing seemed to work. Honestly, more than helpless I felt foolish and I know the auto guy too was thinking the same about me.

Alas I had to do what I didn’t want to. I dialed 100.The reason why I didn’t want to dial this number is because we know how police is and how things go from worse to worst when they show up for futile matters like these. “Please check the number you have dialed” came the response. “Are you serious”? , I fell from the seat.  After regaining my consciousness I sat their thinking what if this guy had stabbed me with a knife and if in that bloody moment I had heard ‘Please check the number you have dialed’ on a 100 line I would died. Died by laughing at myself, not because of the wound.

In the end the auto guy took pity on me (or maybe he got flustered) and got me another auto who unwillingly agreed.  I jumped into it thinking I was victorious in the auto battle. To change my mood to get back my sanity I put on my headphones and listened to 93.5fm that was playing apna kaam bantaa, bhaad mein jaaye janta.