My Name is Tejas and I am Not a Male

My problem Ladies and Gentlemen is far greater than the problems that are cured by a certain Sandhi Sudha for which our 'national heroes' have diligently obliged to appear on National TV. Therefore I demand your undivided attention when you read this post. Your fellow country(wo)men are under a threat as a consequence of taking my name for granted.

There is not much harm that my name can cause but it's still is quite dangerous. No, not because of its cheesy resemblance to a South Indian- belly quavering- gunda named Teja, but because when misunderstood for my gender I give the culprit the best of both the sexes; rearranged alphabets , mostly amongst A, B, C and M that connote respect in the tone that can put our Nyoda bus conductor to shame.

For those who do not know (even though you don't care) my name Tejas Tamhane. Tejas, an Indian Sanskrit name means aura, brilliance, smart ass( that's what I prefer). There are 4 other people by the same name+surname on Facebook, all men. All naming websites put the name under the category of male.

I am a female, biologically, that's what my birth certificate says.

I hate introduction sessions, the reactions to be particular when I introduce  myself. "YOU are Tejas?", "You are TEJAS?", "YOU ARE TEJAS!!!!" , (YOU!!! TEJAS!!!  BWAHAHA!!! *points finger and laughs*)

I punch such people on their nose, rip apart their gender-matching names followed by a smirk of achievement  ..... in my imagination of course

A normal conversation with a stranger, say an HR Consultant, over the phone would go something like:

Me: Hello
HR: Hi, Can I speak to Tejas?
Me: Speaking
HR: No, Tejas please
Me: Ya, Tejas here
HR: Actually Mam, I have this job offer for Sir, so if you can please give me his contact number.
Me: I am Tejas
HR: Ooooooh (sounds amusingly  disappointed). You are Tejas? You are a girl? (confirms disappointment)
Me: Ya, very much
HR: (Giggles) Actually we are looking for guys, so I think ..... ?(has no words to express his emotions over the discovery of the day)
Me: Nevermind, Cya

Unfortunately it is true that you imbibe qualities of your name and thus God also gifted me with high testosterone levels and unabashed sense of world. The sight of a pink teddy bear and hearts (read Archies) can make me puke while I see no harm in wearing the same pair of jeans over a week. Recently I discovered that my voice too rebels against my anatomy.

Being the refugees that we are in Mumbai, as a ritual I again found me searching for a flat. A phone conversation with a poor abla naari in need of a roommate convinced me to get a gender confirmation certificate from a gynaecologist.

Me: I’m looking for a room.. Saw ur ad.. Blah blah blah....
She: ya but it is only for females
Me: ya I need it for Myself
She: are you not getting it? It is only for females!
Me: ya so I am a female
She: (furious)I don't think so.. you don't even sound like one!!!
(shhhhhh.. lambi chuppi…. *bitch*)

That's not all. I once had this chap ask me "Madam, aapke naam ke aage Mr. lagaun ya Ms.?" Atleast he called me madam. :)

By the way, if you find ‘S’ in a confused state of mind, crying and looking for a shelter please share my co-ordinates with it, it will probably be looking for its owner now popularly known as Teja erstwhile Tejas.

Yeh Teja Teja Kya Hai!

My name on the monthly bill statements reads ‘Dear Mr. Teja’… yennada rascala!Mind It…. I say!

The smartest question I face is, “Why is your name Tejas?” Dear Curious Soul, for the same reason that your name is Neha, Pooja, Pinky and not Radhabai, Vimla or Chameli.  

Please share this post with Shah Rukh Khan, tell him he isn’t the only one in soup because of his name. My post may not evoke national sentiments but nevertheless calls for some sympathy. You may use the 'Comment' box below.

In the meantime, I’ll go and shave my moustache.  

Closing Credit

You will never find me reacting on death of a celebrity. My funda is simple- What comes, goes... and it holds true for all mortals at all levels but for some reason when I heard of Yash Chopra's death I felt sad as if something irreplaceable was lost- not him, his work.

I will be honest. I am not his die-hard fan, haven't watched most of his movies but he gave me my idea of hopeless love.

'We The Lovers of Bollywood' understand and believe that love happens when maple leaves blow in the wind, when violins play in silence, when a chiffon saree flows in mountains and when the one you love turns around because in your mind you said "Palat".

There may be no truth in his depiction of love, but that is not what Dream Merchants do. Yet there is something real about Chandni,  Simran and Pooja, Nisha (or atleast I feel so), they truly believe love exists and for them unlike us they don't end up kissing a lot of frogs. Ask any woman if she would want to be the 'Simran' and if she refuses just point your finger and say "You Liar". That 'too-good-to-be-true' love happens in his movies, that Right Guy met nowhere else.

Songs that come to your mind in similar situations (Ho Gaya Hai Tujhko Toh Pyaar Sajna- the goodbye song, Chak Dhoom Dhoom- the rain song, Haathon Mein Nau Nau Chudiyaan- Shaadi song etc), to dialogues that you would want to hear continuously, he knew his craft like no one else.

I specially envy his female leads, for they never looked prettier, magical and real.

He made Shahrukh the guy we love. Imagine Shahrukh sans Raj or Rahul...also no one else could fill those roles but him.

Usually when I see love stories, corny, mushy, cheesy, too pink - are the sort of words I associate with it because those films are never able to transport you to the world that can justify the emotions, which is where Yash Chopra's films differ. It was clear that I was going to watch a love story where everything is larger than life, nothing is real. When I came out of the movie hall I felt "I wish that was real."

Will anybody be able to recreate the magic? Aditya Chopra maybe, DDLJ was his directorial debut afterall.. but he may renovate the mansion that Yash Chopra created, not really make one of his own. Yash Chopra's work is indestructible and ageless.

May he Rest in peace ...

(dry maple leaves blow, Lata Mangeshkar's melancholic voice follows... show ends)

A drunk celebration!

In shorts and unwaxed legs I managed to buy a beer for myself from the nearest wine shop.

That is how our anniversary was celebrated. Me and Mumbai.

3rd May 2011, landed in Mumbai I was so sure of how things are going to be. Alas! for me this 'City of Dreams' turned out to be a 'City of Pungi' and wherever I went 'the pungi' followed.

My first job after an MBA, no, PGDM (calling myself a PGDM student makes me feel  less embarrassed for the years that i wasted!) was a Client Servicing Executive in a digital agency at Charni Road. I stayed at Andheri East (now don't you make that face! ). Not kidding, but staying at Andheri East cost me my two precious friends. In Mumbai, the area that you hail from talks a lot about who you are and guess they knew it already.

And then began the molestation which led to daily orgasms, weekends excluded. I am talking about traveling in Mumbai local trains. 

It is an altogether different feeling when you have an Aunty's tummy touching you in all parts of your body. It is just inexplicable! And that smell of sweat....

But somehow I did look forward to it. There was a feeling of belonging and acceptance in that mad rush. A sense of achievement in finding a seat for myself (Even if it was in a train that started from Andheri station :P) , eye conversations or just sharing a smile with a co-passenger. This journey becomes an integral part of your being in this city, it only sinks in when you stop travelling in local trains daily that you realise that you managed a relationship with it.

The pungi struck again. As always I got bored within a few months in my job and I joined a new agency in Andheri West. This was under a mentor I knew since college. From series of boredom in my earlier job to series of 'what the hell! there is so much work to do!' my life had changed. 

But why am I talking only work here! That makes me a boring bitch! But I wasn't here in this city to become a boring bitch!

Frankly there is nothing immensely exciting that I have done here. Even then, it flirts with me in its own sensuous way. Sometimes makes me feel it is beyond my reach and sometimes just lies in my lap and I embrace it. (Beer Effect!)

The chapters of learnings are many. And the number one lesson is relationships. The number two lesson is  money. If you have these two Mumbai is yours.

I would love to bore you with the sightseeing details and what food to eat but I am not writing a guide for a tourist. Only stating that by making you realise the importance of the time that has passed by and in the tussle of finding yourself in the crowd, Mumbai gives you the real picture of yourself. And then you feel strong and weak at the same time.

Interestingly, when it shuns you away and you reach to the sea for the empathy, it wipes away your tears and gives you hope too. That's why you should never give up on this city.

The pungi didn't give up too. I faced problems in my personal relationships, I became a loner, I was broke (still am), I didn't fulfill an iota of the dream that I had for myself. I became a rat too. Dissatisfaction is the word.

How I would have loved to have a Cinderella ending.

You cant be here if you are not living for yourself. This place is only for those who add meaning to it, not take its advantage. You will cherish what you lose.. it is either black or white. The grey just fades away.

I had almost lost myself, my sanity and my identity. I found my independence. I lost faith but the void wasn't filled with mistrust. You come to terms with the 'new reality' or 'system'.

In this state of dissatisfaction that I live in, it will be so much easier to blame it all on this land and its maneuvers.But that is not what independence teaches you.

I have a Brobdingnagian 'Bollywoodian' desire to end this blog with the cheesy line 'Zara Hatt Ke , Zara Bach Ke...Yeh Hai Mumbai Meri Jaan' but since I haven't learnt as yet how to fulfill my desires in this city I guess I ll leave it here with the hope that 'Picture Abhi Baaki Hai Mere Dost'!


Happy Anniversary! Cheers!

Anna Hazare.. the Man who wants all taxes to be paid on that Ferrari

The last time I heard about someone talking serious business about corruption was ‘Tata Tea’ echoing “Jaago Re”, and that campaign did get the company serious business. Accolades to the communication agency but we never moved from square one and the tea did not taste any better either.

And then one fine day appeared Anna Hazare. Here was an old man, leading the corruption struggle in the nation that ranks highest in youth population, unwilling to change his stand, staring in the eye of those who had given in to the system and questioning the creators of that system.

An ardent follower of Mahatma Gandhi, his ways too are non-violent but Gandhi was lucky (I think), ‘Freedom from Corruption’ seems more difficult to attain compared to ‘Freedom from Foreign Rule’. The reason being simple, WE WERE SIMPLE. The freedom struggle was a battle we fought united while corruption has its own set of followers that display affinity and kinship with their own ‘cause’. And hence we stand divided.

Divided between the interested and not interested, between believers and non-believers, between exploiters and exploited, between the most corrupt and least corrupt, between you and your conscience.

I am unable to rationalize Anna Hazare’s stand vis-à-vis the constitutionality of the same though I do recollect we do have the right to hold peaceful processions but then when were Indian laws in favor of the common man. The National Congress Party of India has accused him of serious corruption charges, that Anna’s fight for a corruption-free India is nothing but a political gimmick.

This isn’t the first time that the Padmabhushan Award winner is protesting against corruption. He apparently has dedicated himself to the cause and is also known for restructuring the village- Ralegan Sidhi from poverty to a model village in the state of Maharashtra. After serving in the military and escaping fatal accidents twice he began dwelling on the purpose and meaning of life. Dear Political Parties, using the word corrupt for him may be a bit too harsh.

When we say India is corrupt, it has less to do with the system but more to do with the mindset. We have accrued it and it is as Indian today as the Bharat Mata. Corrupt goes beyond money, right? Corrupt is lacking in integrity. My concern is that when it comes to integrity we all fall flat on our face. Remember the terms secular, equality, free speech, blah blah blah?

But that does not mean that we don’t make a start. That is precisely the reason why Anna Hazare matters. Inspite of allegations if people have turned up for his support, it is because they are sick and tired of being helpless. We do extend our support to the parties when we vote, we have hardly got any rewards out of it. Toh fir Anna Hazare ko bhi support karne mein kya jaata hai!

Tomorrow, he will begin his fast unto death, he is ready to go to jail, he has taken this fight to the corridors of power. If it is a gimmick, it will be forgotten like any other scam. If this old man fails, be thankful that he tried.

If he wins you may forget Kisan Baburao Hazare but you may not forget Anna.

DNA killed Shashi Kapoor…well almost!

Isn’t it interesting that the communication progression worldwide has never brought out so many stories of faux pas that it does today? What seems jarring though isn’t the rate of the miscommunication but the high-profile participants who fall for such indelible mistakes.

The cases of damaged brand reputations across the world continue to aggregate as a result of adopting social media with an unplanned strategy or underestimating the power of social media. An addition to the ‘honorary’ list is DNA, an Indian daily English newspaper.

Like other news mediums DNA too owns a Twitter handle that updates the latest news stories. Sadly, for its lack of journalistic standards it tweeted on 10^th January 2011 afternoon that Actor Shashi Kapoor is dead. This piece of news spread like fire in the ‘Twitterverse’ and while people were expressing their grief over the erstwhile superstar actor’s death, DNA sent an apology tweet which said, “Apologies. Shashi Kapoor is alive. Confirmed.”

Not to forget that the trending hashtag during the day was #chormedia! This incident gave the tweeples an opportunity to bombard DNA with abuses and poke fun at its nonchalant news reporting. In a few minutes the top tweet that followed was, “No One Killed Jessica but DNA Killed Shashi Kapoor!”

Herein lay DNA’s two mistakes.

First Mistake- it did not rely to the universal journalist code by failing to cross confirm the news of the demise with the hospital which led to the loss of credibility. DNA later clarified that the news came from a trusted source.

Learning: Hear it from the horse’s mouth! In this case the hospital or the Kapoor family.

Second Mistake- Underestimating Twitter. While on Facebook the sharing is limited to the ‘friends’ on Twitter anyone from the ‘Twitterverse’ can retweet a message irrespective of the followership. Twitter is the most preferred medium for brands due its combustible attribute and its real-time WoM dissemination capability. The demise of the actor was significant news and thus it took hardly a minute for it to be retweeted by hundreds on twitter. By the time the apology came, it was late and DNA could not bring the situation under control.

Learning- Know the strengths and weaknesses of your medium well before you start.

Brands that operate on social media live on the thin line between backfire and appreciation. Most brands which we see on social media exist to contest for followers, likes, etc. It won’t be wrong to say that a few brands also operate in an immature manner hinting that social media is seen as ‘Any Man’s Job’.

Yet there are brands like Dell, JetBlue, NakedPizza, etc that make social media proud by their innovative strategies of engagement with their audiences. Whether DNA has learnt from the incident I do not know, but I am as glad as everyone that Shashi Kapoor is alive!

Religion- The Brand You Never Chose

Religion- The Brand You Never Chose

For a student of Marketing Management there is no bunker that can save him from the marketing models which continue to confuse the students with their degree of relevancy in present times. One of such models is consumer decision making process which explains how we make our decision. Before studying the course we thought a decision is made by saying a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ but to our folly we found that is programmed too!

The major steps involved in decision making process are need recognition, information search, evaluation of alternatives, purchase and post purchase. Also, the experts have mentioned that a consumer is the end user of the product or the service offered.

Given such a backdrop I wondered how well would an infant fit into the consumer decision making process given his noninterference beyond need recognition. In such a case as an infant we were not just deprived of making the choice of a brand but a few ‘brands’ have become indispensable to our lives since beginning. One such brand is religion.

Religion, inarguably, is the most powerful brand across countries. It also strongly defines the cultural landscape of the region to which other brands adhere. This brand is recognized by the strongest logos, symbols, values, associations and occupies a vast space in the minds of the consumer.

The unique position through which the ‘brand’ interacts with a highly receptive new born allows it to be perceived as an essential. The communicators of the brand religion- the parents, immediate family- are by default the most trusted medium of communication. The benefit derived from brand religion may be different to various sects. While for some the benefit derived is ‘nirvana’ for others it could be ‘accumulation of wealth’ but for the young ones there is no personal benefit in any given situation. By the time one grows up to be able to understand the environment the ‘brand’ has already become an imperative part of that individual.

Coming back to consumer decision process, it is interesting to note that we have been ‘consuming’ religion as a brand without recognizing the need in the first place (forget evaluating alternatives!). Inspite of being irreverent to the decision making process we have transformed into staunch brand loyalists wherein we wishfully donate wealth on religious grounds without giving it a second thought, but when the question arrives of helping the needy we comfortably refuse.

Bloemer and Kasper mention attributes of a true brand loyalty as (a) biased, (b)behavioral response, (c)expressed over time, (d)by some decision-making unit, with respect to one or more alternate brands and (e)psychological process resulting in brand commitment. Current communal tension exemplifies the presence of above five attributes found in the practitioners of religion.

Understanding profoundly what makes religion establish a powerful connect could help marketers when formulating the marketing strategy for their brands. For example, ‘finding oneself’ is acknowledged across all forms of religions. Thus, the brands that inspire great action leading to individuality (Apple, Harley Davidson) have successfully managed to create a brand religion of their own.

In India, two other such brands that follow impregnable loyalty after religion are cricket and cinema. Yet as a brand religion cannot be categorized as top-of-mind of bottom of the mind, instead it is a ‘back of the mind’ brand which defies most marketing ‘fundas’ applied prevalent today. Interestingly using the same models marketers try to make their brands a religion. Those who are able to find such affiliation continue to live as ‘Classic’ brands and others thrive for the materialistic gains!

“Live from Peepli”

Not often do we come across a movie on the silver screen which defies from the Cinderella storytelling, serves you the harsh reality on a steel plate as it tickles your funny bone and points fingers at a socially accepted norm. Peepli Live is one such movie which takes you in a remote village of India scoffing at the serious issue of farmer suicide which is entangled in the unruly mess of media and politics.

Peepli Live is the story of the sibling farmers namely Natha and Budhia who lose their land to the bank on nonpayment of the loan. The piece of land being their last asset left they visit the local politician and plead him for monetary support. The disdainful politician insults them and suggests that they commit suicide to benefit from the government scheme that supports the families of those farmers who chose to do the same. A witty conversation follows where Budhiya convinces Natha to sacrifice his life for the sake of their ancestral property. Rakesh, a local reported manages to capture this news in the local newspaper which turns into a prologue of media frenzy and political debate.

The movie wears a coarse coat throughout and flaunts its non celebrity actors who make you roll in the aisles with their peculiarly accented dialogues. Natha is a timid man who is beaten by his wife, overpowered by his brother and ridiculed by his children. He is hesitant on expressing his desire to live but that desire too is nullified by his brother and the media. It also shows how futile is the life of a poor farmer unless he turns it into a sort of entertainment, in this case- a live suicide.

Peepli Live doesn’t fail to make fun of the cosmetic politicians at the ground level. Natha’s suicide is a golden opportunity for the opposition to take pots at the ruling party while the party in command tries all possible solution to save Natha from committing suicide. Caste-based political drama of politicians and their goons is not new to the Bollywood industry but it is the treatment of the issue which is commendable in the movie.

Director Anusha Rizvi has taken immense pleasure in attacking the media for its foolishness and lack of newsworthiness which is highly relevant in the 24x7 news era. The fight between the news channels to broadcast the “exclusive” glimpse of Natha when he goes in the fields to beckon his nature’s call makes you fall off your chairs. The overzealous media turns the quiet subdued village into a “mela” as Peepli becomes a talk of the nation. Meanwhile the media scripts not just the answers and opinions of the respondents from villages but also manages to get the Devi Mata’s prophecy on their side, all for the sake of TRPs.

The actors are the torch bearers of Peepli Live although “Amma” (Natha’s mother) remains the show stealer when it comes to tickling the audiences. The performances are real, crude and give life to the black humor that lines the script. The much loved song “Mahangai Dayan” is entertaining but it is the Indian Ocean’s “Des Mera Rangrezi” that adds spark to the situations.

Director Anusha Rizvi’s has debuted with a strong punch and a strong backing by Aamir Khan and UTV Motion Pictures. It would be saddening if Peepli Live becomes an Aamir Khan movie and the brain behind it is forgotten. However one wonders if Peepli Live could manage to get audiences rush to theatres had Mr. Khan not associated with it.