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Sex sells. With no new hits on my blog and fading popularity (from 0.4/5  to 0.2 now)  I have decided to write about it. And why not, it could give a new lease of life to Vidya Balan’s career, got Shiney Ahuja lifetime achievement award, Poonam Boob Pandey has become an internet sensation just by stripping at all possible places  and for the first time all news publications including Times of India wrote about Times of India. (Ooops , I am yet to take my PF money from them).

Sex has been an underlying proposition of numerous brands which we come across day and night.  There are contraceptive companies that manage to get on board the Bollywood celebs like Ranveer Singh and Sunny Leone, buy space in premier publications, prime time on-air FCP, and have over the counter placement in retail. Then there are some genuinely talented guys who want to help the “needy”  find pleasure but sex being a taboo they are perceived as hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ji shame shame!

Baba Bangalis have been my favourite “Mr. Do It All”. They can help you with anything under the sun- “Filmon mein asafalta, grehklesh, saas se chutkara, kutte ko na kaat paana,  and stambhan dosh or erectile dysfunction. Clearly what science can’t do they can do it. It is possible that when Narendra Modi said Ganesha’s head is attached to a human body it wasn’t because of plastic surgery’s knowledge in ancient India, he was referring to this sacred knowledge of Baba Bangalis.

Here goes a jingle for them if ever they get enough budgets for advertising spends:

Unhorny ko horny kar de, horny ko aur horny

Ek jagah sab jama ho teeno, taaveez , goli aur baba bangaaaleeeeeeeeeee

While they operate in clandestine manner, there are other tech-savvy sex drive specialists who have made optimum use of online media. Don’t believe me , check your spam box in your mail. Mails with subject lines: Make your girl scream tonight, Big is Better etc. (hilarious, is there anyway I can work for them! ). The thing is I already have the power to make the girls scream, most scream at my fashion sense, my hairstyle, it shocks them enough, I don’t need the pills. Also, because I don’t have a dick, dickhead.

If you are a nocturnal creature there are chances you would have stumbled upon Payal Rohatgi promoting ‘Product of the Year’,  Shakti Praash.  The show should have been named Adult Comedy Nights with Payal Rohatgi.  She warns you with an accent- ägar aapki patni aapse saantusht nahi hai toh aapka vaivahik jeevan khuraab ho jaega (ok).  Wonder what will happen to her vaivahik jeevan after this! Of course it is not her fault, maybe the dialogue writer had tried a spoonful of Shakti Praash before reporting to work.  Some chosen dialogues have the honour of being a part of this blog:

• -          Mere husband dekhne mein boht hi lambe aur chaude hain, shaadi se pehle main unhe dekha toh mujhe laga ki mere pati mujhe har prakaar se khush rahenge .. lekin,, shaadi ke baad khoda pahaad nikli chuhiya waali khahawat jaise unpe sach hi ho gayi thi .. (lmao)

• -          (50 year old husband) Shakti Praash ke sevan se meri jawani wapas aa gayi hai  (looks at his wife and says cheesily ) kyu ji thik keh raha hu na?.. aaj kal hum daily honeymoon manate hain!!   (tharki Buddha)

Please spare some time from your busy lives to watch this show starring these stalwarts.

Aap sex ke peeche, libido aapke peeche.. too much fun!

There is no concrete study available on the size of Ayurvedic industry and its registered practitioners. Moreover Ayurveda can fall easily into Grandmom’s secrets for beauty to medicines that cure fatal diseases. How does then one tap these shady companies that are proliferating in the name of Ayurveda and selling illegally. It would be wise to consider how much money therefore goes unaccounted for.

However, Shakti Praash did get me contemplating on one aspect. In marriages (especially arranged) how do people get to know about their partner’s Shakti? It is so ‘impotent’ to know that about your partner, no? Let me know in the comments below. No, actually I don’t want to know your creepy stories! 

Being Baniya

If you are in 20s and staying on rent and that too beyond Andheri towards Borvali, your life is supposedly sad. Mine is, I stay at Malad which is predominantly inhabited by Gujratris and Marwaris.  However for someone who is constantly observing the relationship between a marketer and consumer, this place is a delight.  

I know Marathi Manus is upset with the fact that they are being sidelined in their own state but basis the difference between the way a Gujarati and a Marathi handle a customer, you would prefer the former any day.  Infact if Philip Kotler had to train a Marathi businessman he would be forced to change his name to Philip Kotlerkar first and then awkwardly defend his marketing fundas that the world gladly accepted.

So what happens when you visit a General Store run by a Marathi?

Me: Ek bread dena ..

Shopkeeper: ignores

Me: Ek bread dena

Shopkeeper:  looks at you as if you asked for his daughter’s hand.  (ignores again)

Me: hai ya nahi? Deni hai nahi deni

Shopkeeper: Nahi hai.. wait karna hai toh karo nahi toh jao (followed by aaila maila taila and such phrases that are dear to them)

Cut to a Gujarati/Marwari  general store where the shopkeeper will be so concerned that you will look for a tattoo on his arm which same as yours wondering if this guy is your lost brother.

Shopkeeper: kai du?

Me: ek bread chahiye

Shopkeeper:  Ae chotu ek bread de fatafat. Aur kya loge .. Maggie, aata, doodh, thepla, kuch?

Me: Nahi, thank you abhi nahi.

Shopkeeper: number le jao shop ka, order kar dena, bhijwa denge saaman

(Chotu gets bread loaf in 9 seconds. I leave the shop in approx. 30 seconds)

Wonder what gives rise to such a different  attitude towards customers for two different communities that have the same operating environment and business objective.  While external factors remain the same it must be intrinsic to the cultural values that have been transferred to the individual.

Now extend this example to a macro environment, the organized retail and the malls. These are typically the markets where lot of research has gone into from designing the brand to placement of the products, from price point purchases to creating a favorable in-store environment.  Walmart , Target, Big Bazaar, Hypercity have all been continuously working towards delivering customer satisfaction.  

So who owns these chains/malls  in Mumbai predominantly?

·         Big Bazaar -  Kishore Biyani (Marwari)

·         D- Mart- R K Damani (Gujarati)

·         Infinity Mall, Inorbit Mall, Shoppers Stop-  Raheja (Sindhi)

·         Kalpatru Group – Korum- Mofatraj Munot (Baniya)

·         R-City Mall- Subhash Runwal (Marwari Jain)

·         Phoenix Mills -  Ashokkumar Radhakrishna Ruia (Baniya)

The financially intelligent have always invested in real estate. The returns in real estate in a booming economy are huge. Why is it that in Mumbai the best commercial properties are owned by a specific community? Is it a nexus? Is it that others do not possess strong business acumen?  Or is it just the risk involved in pushing the comfort levels?  An interesting article on the peculiar pedigree of business class here will give you an insight on which community is amongst World’s Richest Individuals.

It is from observation that those who are born in a business community develop business acumen as part of their upbringing. A Gujarati and a Mawari spend money differently from the other communities.  They are trained to become businessmen rather than excellent workers. On the other hand if you see Marathi community makes an excellent workforce.  However if you leave them with an investment amount, they wouldn’t know where to head start.

With an education system like ours where we are trained to become rats would it make a difference if our system starts focusing on Financial IQ as well? Why is it that we are not taught in schools the value of money and investments? We aim for higher salaries and designations, why don’t we aim towards entrepreneurship? The idea of entrepreneurship is completely looked down upon even today. A child who would hope to be an entrepreneur would be termed as “useless”.  Most of us go for an MBA to get a match forget starting a new business.

So how does one break this attitudinal cycle and rigid perceptions if strong cultural notions that have lingered from generations are hampering their growth? Worst case, they are not even willing to acknowledge that there is a problem which is affecting their business.  Also does this also mean that till the time the attitudes don’t change, the power of money will belong to a specific community because they understand how it flows?

I would not want to generalize communities due to the vastness of it; however based on experience and observations of many people such inferences have been made. It would be great if you have any experience or a different point of view on this, you can write in the comments below.  

In the meantime someone please tell my Marathi shopkeeper, risk toh Spiderman ko bhi lena padta hai, tum toh phir bhi salesman ho.

“Bhaiya Andheri East chaloge?”

Some topics don’t need an introduction.  All of us know what happens next after you make an earnest request to the autowaalas to drop you at your destination.  (Disclaimer: All includes those who have Mamtamai Shri Radhe Guru Maa’s blessing because of which we experience pain and strength to get over it. Please pray touching her photo below she will bless you with her superpowers)

Usually when I am looking for an auto I am snubbed off by the rickshaw drivers. Yes, even they snub me. At the instance of hearing the destination Uday Chopra’s body double’s spirit from ..no guesses!.. Dhoom!...  possess him and he flies away at 100km/hr.

On one such eventful day I was desperately looking for an auto because I was.. again no guesses!... getting late for office J After being refused by 225 auto rickshaws and engaging myself in verbal spat with 224 of them ranging from “Toh kya Dubai jaoge”  to “BC, BMW kharid ke chala le” I decided I would just sit in one and force him to drop me.

So post invoking every bit of Naari Shakti in me I forcefully got into one auto rickshaw and to no one’s surprise he refused. I started with requesting him but in vain. I still refused to get down from his auto wasting another 10 minutes. When everything failed I threatened him that if he doesn’t “obey my orders” I will file a complaint with the traffic police. He replied, “here is my auto number, please do it”.

Thanks to technological advancements and therefore smartphone, I scavenged the complaint number. Launched by Shri Anna Hazare(Team Anna Hazare)  this number came to my rescue-  98690 89898 which I found here.  Have you seen a dog when he sees food, those rays of hope in his eyes? …with such emotions I dialed that number thinking this will be a new revolution in Auto Corruption Hatao Aandolan. However, just like Anna Hazare this number also didn’t work. There was also an SMS support which I made use of and that SMS request is yet to reach Team Anti Corruption.

Phew! But main haar mane waalon mein se nahi hun, I said to myself. In the meantime the autowaala had gutkha, enjoyed Bhojpuri songs, gave me hopeless looks etc.

I was sure that there was another RTO number, helpline. I had watched its commercial in a movie theatre. The commercial goes something like this …a girl finds herself in a dark abandoned area that is when she realizes she is being followed by goons. She panics and starts sprinting towards the main road while dialing a number from her phone. The goons are about to catch her but just like it happens in the movies a police car shows up and goons run for their lives. Well, the ad campaign works but the number didn’t.  If I was in a situation like that girl in the ad campaign I would have asked the goons to help me bash up the idiots who started this helpline. On a serious note, I really hope such instances do not happen during an emergency.

Anyway, coming to my agony... there are no words to express how helpless I was in that situation where nothing seemed to work. Honestly, more than helpless I felt foolish and I know the auto guy too was thinking the same about me.

Alas I had to do what I didn’t want to. I dialed 100.The reason why I didn’t want to dial this number is because we know how police is and how things go from worse to worst when they show up for futile matters like these. “Please check the number you have dialed” came the response. “Are you serious”? , I fell from the seat.  After regaining my consciousness I sat their thinking what if this guy had stabbed me with a knife and if in that bloody moment I had heard ‘Please check the number you have dialed’ on a 100 line I would died. Died by laughing at myself, not because of the wound.

In the end the auto guy took pity on me (or maybe he got flustered) and got me another auto who unwillingly agreed.  I jumped into it thinking I was victorious in the auto battle. To change my mood to get back my sanity I put on my headphones and listened to 93.5fm that was playing apna kaam bantaa, bhaad mein jaaye janta. 

An employee's guide to healthy living

Hi There! 

When you are in Mumbai, time just flies away. As Shri Salman Khan says “yeh bhaag daud bhari zindagi, thakna mana hai”, it is true that achievement comes with achieving a healthy lifestyle. It gives me a great pleasure to share with you my secret towards healthy living and spirituality. If you follow these steps regularly on weekday mornings you will see yourself transforming into a successful person you aspire to be.

1.      Wake Up Late

Immediate adrenaline rush in the body prepares you for the tasks ahead

2.      Skip Breakfast

Now now, do I really need to tell you the importance of dieting! 

3.      Forget to check geyser and door lock when you leave for work

By the time you remember you will be far from the house and you will need to push yourself to go back home. A great cardio as it increases your heart rate and also the stamina

4.      Run to Catch the Train

Running is great to achieve that perfect shape. Especially when you need to dodge 2 people every 1 second it is good for concentration and focus

5.      Take a Break (sip water. Prepare yourself for the arrival of the train)

6.      On your Mark, Get Set 

Strategically position yourself at a spot where there is a good chance of being pushed by the crowd that is alighting from the train and also the crowd that is preparing to get in. Here, due to laws of physics (ahem!) your body will try to defend itself which will use all the muscles of your body.  Body toning!

7.      Reach Out!

The chances of following above are that now you will find yourself in a position where your leg will be stretched out and caught between people. You need to push yourself ahead holding the handle bars with one hand. This will stretch your arms, oblique and calves. Repeat with the other leg.

8.      Meditate

Meditation increases concentration. But when we do it here our focus is to not focus on the pain that is our body experiences. You could think of all the pending tasks in office, food, reflect on your life as to what is making you bear this moment, In case all this fails, indulge yourself in a verbal abuse with a fellow stranger and in the process learn voice modulation techniques.

9.      Learn to lose control

When it is time to get down, do not force your body to go forward. Lose yourself and wait for push you out of the train as you relax and breathe deeply. If you are lucky and getting down at Dadar, chances are you will be pushed by the Act of God till the exit of the station while you finish your breathing exercises.

10.  Lower the intensity

As we near the end of the workout we walk fast towards the office. We don’t run because if we run we look like an idiot. So we walk fast, stretching leg muscles. As we look at the watch in every 1/4^th of second do remember to ignore the cars honking and green signals in case you also wish to become a risk taker. 

11.  Be Happy!

So finally you reach office. But what use does external beauty have if you are not happy from within? So as soon as you take your seat fake a beautiful smile and when your boss arrives flash it on him/her “as if nothing happened”.  Remember to not fake a broad smile because you actually forgot to brush your teeth! 

12.  Spiritual Union

Practice these steps everyday to increase fatigue in body. It will help you in getting dissatisfied with work leading to loss of motivation. As a result you will lose your material gains and achieve a state of ‘moksha’. 

Hari Om!

Don’t forget to thank me when you start noticing the amazing results of this regime. J

 

(Disclaimer: Is kahani ke sabhi patra kalpanik nahi hai)

Farhan Akhtar - No Logic, No Lakshya

I won't be surprised if contraceptive brands start endorsing rape in coming days with a louche tagline like 'You are not safe, but you don't have to be sorry'. And that seems no far fetched.

Do we have any idea what a rape victim goes through in this lawless, spineless nation? It is a term we throw away as loosely as the number of times it happens in our country. The sensitivity of the issue has eroded, what has settled in is jingoism and now commercialization that has made it ‘just-another-crime’.

And my fury is directed towards the gentleman named Farhan Akhtar,  a noted filmmaker of India whose craft has impressed many including me. However, it seems that Mr Farhan Akhtar has taken his wit and humor a way to seriously to have launched a disgraceful campaign to prevent rape. He calls it MARD – Men Against Rape and Discrimination. It could easily stand for Men Against Rationale and Discernment. 

Hundreds have become a victim of this heinous crime ever since this initiative has been launched.  Have we heard Farhan Akhtar coming out against at least 5 such cases? NO! Have we seen him meet the families and offer support? NO!  So what has been keeping our Man With a Mission Busy? 

Farhan has basically turned into a classier version of the sales guys we see in the Mumbai local trains. His marketing gimmicks for the initiative are no lesser than your bhaji wala’s ; desperate for attention. “Mooche le loooooooooooooo, T-shirt- le looooooooooooo, Par Ladki ki Mat loooooooooooo” 

Seriously Farhan? 

Let us closely consider the “efforts” the guy is taking to educate the masses. When I noticed this I wanted to slap Farhan Akhtar for his insensitivity and callousness regarding rape. 

1)      Nowhere in the website of MARD does it mention what work they have done till date. What it mentions is ‘Buy Our Merchandise’ They could sell their mugs and caps before they could actually start working for this initiative. March till May all you did was campaign promotions and no work? Then you are definitely USELESS.

2)      News and Gallery section is all gaga over how Farhan is the savior of women by coming up with this brilliant idea. Bitch Please!

3)      How do you become the catalyst of change? What is Farhan’s earnest plea? Change your Display Pic to MARD logo.

4)      His Tweets are only for campaign promotion purpose. If the rape isn’t brutal he won’t talk about it? Bollywood seems to support him, which he enthusiastically retweets to his followers without fail. Thik hai, kar lo promote. But again my question is kaam kya kiya hai boss? https://twitter.com/FarOutAkhtar

5)       Rapists belong to no particular strata of society. Why do you only speak to the ‘educated masses with high disposable income’ Farhan? You have rubbed shoulders with Sunil Gavaskar, Shah Rukh Khan, Preity Zinta to talk about your initiative. Why do you not stand with the common man when you are facing the media? Do we stink of logic? The dhobi wala, the watchman, the servants don’t have a Twitter or a Facebook account, does it not concern you to talk to them in their language and not recite the poem in your each and every interview?

6)      Why do you sell the T-shirts? If wearing the T-shirt brings in the change why don’t you just give them away for free? Symbols like T-shirts and bands connote solidarity for a cause. Having said that, does it bring the attitudinal change that we are looking at? Does your T-shirt have the ability to transform the person into a superhero? If it does, kindly don’t share this merchandise with all men. You never know which one may misuse the superpowers he possesses after wearing the T and ends up raping more women.

Farhan, if at all you want to do something for this stay away from making it a commercial entity. Our lives are tough, all we are asking is respect it. Don’t make a mockery out of the victims. The moustaches you sell are anyway so scary they remind me of Raavan who allegedly kidnapped Sita. All the more reason to steer clear of those who wear it.  This hideous stereotypical idea to portray masculinity I believe is given you by JWT. Didn’t you realize all the while when you were trying to fight the prevailing notions of masculinity you were actually being a personified stereotype yourself?  

Although Thank You for coming up with something, I wish you could put in some amount of intelligence before taking it up. Your intentions are respected, your methods are not. Please stick to making movies, use them as the platform to fight against social injustice. But oh! You may not because these issues don’t get you moolah at the box office. 

As far as the female protection is concerned you have made our jobs easier. We know we have to stay away from anyone who is sporting MARD T and a moustache.

My Name is Tejas and I am Not a Male

My problem Ladies and Gentlemen is far greater than the problems that are cured by a certain Sandhi Sudha for which our 'national heroes' have diligently obliged to appear on National TV. Therefore I demand your undivided attention when you read this post. Your fellow country(wo)men are under a threat as a consequence of taking my name for granted.

There is not much harm that my name can cause but it's still is quite dangerous. No, not because of its cheesy resemblance to a South Indian- belly quavering- gunda named Teja, but because when misunderstood for my gender I give the culprit the best of both the sexes; rearranged alphabets , mostly amongst A, B, C and M that connote respect in the tone that can put our Nyoda bus conductor to shame.

For those who do not know (even though you don't care) my name Tejas Tamhane. Tejas, an Indian Sanskrit name means aura, brilliance, smart ass( that's what I prefer). There are 4 other people by the same name+surname on Facebook, all men. All naming websites put the name under the category of male.

I am a female, biologically, that's what my birth certificate says.

I hate introduction sessions, the reactions to be particular when I introduce  myself. "YOU are Tejas?", "You are TEJAS?", "YOU ARE TEJAS!!!!" , (YOU!!! TEJAS!!!  BWAHAHA!!! *points finger and laughs*)

I punch such people on their nose, rip apart their gender-matching names followed by a smirk of achievement  ..... in my imagination of course

A normal conversation with a stranger, say an HR Consultant, over the phone would go something like:

Me: Hello
HR: Hi, Can I speak to Tejas?
Me: Speaking
HR: No, Tejas please
Me: Ya, Tejas here
HR: Actually Mam, I have this job offer for Sir, so if you can please give me his contact number.
Me: I am Tejas
HR: Ooooooh (sounds amusingly  disappointed). You are Tejas? You are a girl? (confirms disappointment)
Me: Ya, very much
HR: (Giggles) Actually we are looking for guys, so I think ..... ?(has no words to express his emotions over the discovery of the day)
Me: Nevermind, Cya

Unfortunately it is true that you imbibe qualities of your name and thus God also gifted me with high testosterone levels and unabashed sense of world. The sight of a pink teddy bear and hearts (read Archies) can make me puke while I see no harm in wearing the same pair of jeans over a week. Recently I discovered that my voice too rebels against my anatomy.

Being the refugees that we are in Mumbai, as a ritual I again found me searching for a flat. A phone conversation with a poor abla naari in need of a roommate convinced me to get a gender confirmation certificate from a gynaecologist.

Me: I’m looking for a room.. Saw ur ad.. Blah blah blah....
She: ya but it is only for females
Me: ya I need it for Myself
She: are you not getting it? It is only for females!
Me: ya so I am a female
She: (furious)I don't think so.. you don't even sound like one!!!
(shhhhhh.. lambi chuppi…. *bitch*)

That's not all. I once had this chap ask me "Madam, aapke naam ke aage Mr. lagaun ya Ms.?" Atleast he called me madam. :)

By the way, if you find ‘S’ in a confused state of mind, crying and looking for a shelter please share my co-ordinates with it, it will probably be looking for its owner now popularly known as Teja erstwhile Tejas.

Yeh Teja Teja Kya Hai!

My name on the monthly bill statements reads ‘Dear Mr. Teja’… yennada rascala!Mind It…. I say!

The smartest question I face is, “Why is your name Tejas?” Dear Curious Soul, for the same reason that your name is Neha, Pooja, Pinky and not Radhabai, Vimla or Chameli.  

Please share this post with Shah Rukh Khan, tell him he isn’t the only one in soup because of his name. My post may not evoke national sentiments but nevertheless calls for some sympathy. You may use the 'Comment' box below.

In the meantime, I’ll go and shave my moustache.  

Closing Credit

You will never find me reacting on death of a celebrity. My funda is simple- What comes, goes... and it holds true for all mortals at all levels but for some reason when I heard of Yash Chopra's death I felt sad as if something irreplaceable was lost- not him, his work.

I will be honest. I am not his die-hard fan, haven't watched most of his movies but he gave me my idea of hopeless love.

'We The Lovers of Bollywood' understand and believe that love happens when maple leaves blow in the wind, when violins play in silence, when a chiffon saree flows in mountains and when the one you love turns around because in your mind you said "Palat".

There may be no truth in his depiction of love, but that is not what Dream Merchants do. Yet there is something real about Chandni,  Simran and Pooja, Nisha (or atleast I feel so), they truly believe love exists and for them unlike us they don't end up kissing a lot of frogs. Ask any woman if she would want to be the 'Simran' and if she refuses just point your finger and say "You Liar". That 'too-good-to-be-true' love happens in his movies, that Right Guy met nowhere else.

Songs that come to your mind in similar situations (Ho Gaya Hai Tujhko Toh Pyaar Sajna- the goodbye song, Chak Dhoom Dhoom- the rain song, Haathon Mein Nau Nau Chudiyaan- Shaadi song etc), to dialogues that you would want to hear continuously, he knew his craft like no one else.

I specially envy his female leads, for they never looked prettier, magical and real.

He made Shahrukh the guy we love. Imagine Shahrukh sans Raj or Rahul...also no one else could fill those roles but him.

Usually when I see love stories, corny, mushy, cheesy, too pink - are the sort of words I associate with it because those films are never able to transport you to the world that can justify the emotions, which is where Yash Chopra's films differ. It was clear that I was going to watch a love story where everything is larger than life, nothing is real. When I came out of the movie hall I felt "I wish that was real."

Will anybody be able to recreate the magic? Aditya Chopra maybe, DDLJ was his directorial debut afterall.. but he may renovate the mansion that Yash Chopra created, not really make one of his own. Yash Chopra's work is indestructible and ageless.

May he Rest in peace ...

(dry maple leaves blow, Lata Mangeshkar's melancholic voice follows... show ends)